- previously emailed to a circle of friends about every two weeks Various jokes, trivia etc gleaned from other joke sites.

For Today
Trust yourself. Think for yourself. Act for yourself.
Speak for yourself. Be yourself. Imitation is suicide.
- Marva Collins.
My wife and I tried to breakfast together,
but we had to stop or our marriage would
have been wrecked.
- Winston Churchill, 1874-1965.
Anyone referring to themself in the third
person is overpaid.
If you don't want to practice something,
don't try to learn it.
A pat on the back is really close to a kick
in the pants.
Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after
a great idea hits you, and just before you
realize what's wrong with it.
Just when you get really good at something,
you won't need to do it anymore.
All people have at least ten faults.
Pick ten you can live with.
All the planning in the world never beat luck.
Think positive. If you fall in the creek,
check your pockets for fish.
For every problem there's a simple solution.
Unfortunately it's usually wrong.
I'm now at the age where I've got to prove
that I'm just as good as I never was.
- Rex Harrison, 1908-1990.
Bad laws are the worst form of tyranny.
The really idle man gets nowhere, but the
perpetually busy man does not get much
A diet is when you have to go to
some length to change your width.
When my husband finally gave in and
began to clean out his dresser drawers,
he discovered a bunch of socks that
didn't match. As I looked at them, I
noted that most of them had holes in
them. "Heaven's sakes, man!" I exclaimed.
"How long have you had these things?"
"Since before we were married," he
admitted. "I guess you could say that I
had a lot of premarital socks!"
The stupid people of the world band together
for strength against intelligence. You can't win.
Chemist to customer: "Take these pills as
often as you can get the cap off."
My wife and I were having serious
difficulties in our marriage. I came home
from work one day, and she said, "We
need to talk." She said, "Our sex life is
in a lot of trouble." I replied, "Yes it is."
She said to me, "Please, tell me all your
sexual fantasies." And my answer to her
was, "Why? - you're not in any of them."
With that she went to divorce court.
Never say never, and always avoid always.
The right thing to say comes to mind after
you've said the wrong thing.
If it's good they will stop making it.
He who turns the other cheek too far
gets it in the neck.
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the
doctor to get a physical. A few days later,
the doctor saw Morris walking down the
street with a gorgeous young woman on
his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor
spoke to Morris and said, "You're really
doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied,
"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a
hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor
said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got
a heart murmur; be careful.'"
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman,
and a Scotsman were captured while
fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the
leader of the captors said: "We're going
to line you up in front of a firing squad
and shoot you all in turn. But first, you
each can make a final wish." The Scotsman
says: "I'd like to hear The Flower of Scotland
just one more time to remind me of the auld
country, played on bagpipes in the style of
the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards." The
Irishman says: "I'd like to hear Danny Boy
just one more time to remind me of the auld
country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell,
with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the
tune." The Welshman says: "I'd like to hear
Men Of Harlech just one more time to
remind me of the auld country, sung as if by
 the Aberavon Male Voice Choir." The
Englishman says: "I'd like to be shot first."
He grabbed me by my slender neck
I couldn't yell or scream.
He took me to his dingy room
Where we could not be seen.
He stripped me of my flimsy wrap,
And gazed upon my form.
I was wet and cold and damp,
And he was nice and warm.
His feverish lips he pressed to mine,
I gave him every drop.
He drained me of my very self,
And I couldn't make him stop.
He made me what I am today,
That's why you find me here ...
A broken bottle, tossed away,
That once was full of beer.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my
high school reunion, and I kept staring at
a drunken lady swigging her drink as she
sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked,
"Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's
my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many
years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
since." "My God!" said my wife, "Who
would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
In America, only the successful writer is
important, in France all writers are important,
 in England no writer is important, and in
Australia you have to explain what a writer is.
- Geoffrey Cottrell.
America is a melting pot, the people at the
bottom get burned while all the scum floats
to the top. - Charlie King.
According to a news report, a certain girl's
private school in Surrey was recently faced
with a unique problem. A number of 12-
year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick
and would put it on in the toilets. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick they
would press their lips to the mirror leaving
dozens of little lip prints. Every night the
maintenance man would remove them and
the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the Principal decided that something
had to be done. She called all the girls to the
toilet block and met them there with the
janitor. She explained that all these lip prints
were causing a major problem for the
person who had to clean the mirrors every
night. To demonstrate how difficult it had
been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
janitor to show the girls how much effort
was required. He took out a long-handled
squeegee, dipped it in the nearest toilet
bowl, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since
then, there have been no lip prints on the
There are teachers.... . . . .
and then there are educators.
The Heathrow flight controller advised
Flight 514 "Turn right 45 degrees for noise
abatement." "Roger", the pilot responded,
nd then commented to the crew, "We're at
35,000 feet. How much noise can we be
making up here?" "Sir", replied his radar
man, "Have you ever heard the noise a
727 makes when it hits a 747?"
Waiting until everything is perfect before
making a move is like waiting to start a
trip until all the traffic lights are green.
- Karen Ireland.
The Computer Tip Corner: Recycle Bin
This pertains to XP. When you delete a
file, the space it took on your hard drive
isn't allotted back to you until the Recycle
Bin is emptied. So, even though this not
recommended, you can change the
properties to make it when you delete the
file it will not go to the Recycle Bin. Right
click on the Recycle Bin Icon and select
Properties. On the Global Tab check the
square that says "Do not move files to the
Recycle Bin. Remove files immediately
when deleted".
Different times When we are born, our
mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the
presents and the publicity. When we die,
our widows get the life insurance.
Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet
fish doing? You told me he was really
something special.' Mike: 'To tell the truth,
I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who
sold him to me said I could teach him to
sing like a bird.' Jimmy: 'What? Let me get
this straight... You bought a fish because
you thought you could teach him to sing like
a bird?' Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you
know, he's a parrot fish.' Jimmy: 'Now listen,
Mike, while you might be able to teach a
parrot to sing, you're never going to get
anywhere with a parrot fish.' Mike: 'That's
what you think! It just so happens this fish
CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key
and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how
hard it is to tuna fish?'
The term "moron" entered our vocabulary
when Molière, in his play La Princesse d'Elide,
gave a dim-witted character the name Moron.
The phrase, "Often a bridesmaid but never a
bride," actually comes from an advertisement
for Listerine mouthwash. The text was written
by Milton Feasley and first appeared in 1925.
The advertisement was so successful that it
ran for more than 10 years.
Limousines originally got their name because
they were first built in the Limousin region of
The word "gymnasium" comes from the
Greek word gymnazein which means "to
exercise naked."
The word "avocado" comes from the
Spanish word "aguacate," which in turn is
derived from the Aztec word "ahuacatl"
which meant testicle.
The sh*tty end of the stick? Well, you got that
when you grabbed the wrong end of the pole
used to lift the bucket in the outhouse.
Preventing Deep Vein Thrombosis -
Always drink plenty of water to avoid
dehydration. Do not drink alcohol before
or during the flight, as this can compound
dehydration. Try and keep your thighs
clear of the edge of your seat. Use foot
rests as far as possible. Take a brisk walk
for half an hour before the flight. Regularly
go for a short walk to the restroom to keep
your legs moving during the flight. Try a
few simple exercises to keep your legs
moving, by rotating your ankles, pointing
your heel and toe alternately and lifting
your knees whilst seated every half hour
for a short period. Try and tense your
leg muscles as regularly as possible
throughout the flight. Wear elastic flight
socks (elastic compression stockings)
especially designed to reduce the risk of
DVT. These are readily available at most
pharmacies. The day before the flight,
take a low dose of aspirin (100mg -
150mg), during the flight, and for three
days following the flight.
It has been scientifically proven that if we
drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end
of the year we would have absorbed more
than 1 kilo of E. Coli. (bacteria found in
faeces). In other words, we are consuming
1 kilo of Poo. However, we do not run
that risk when drinking wine, beer (or other
spirits) because alcohol has to go through a
purification process of boiling, filtering and
Free yourself of Poo, drink WINE!
It is better to drink wine and talk shit than
to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable
information. I am doing it as a public service.
Have a nice day...
The future is when you'll wish you'd
done what you aren't doing now.
Bet you can't answer this one!
What gets longer when pulled,
Fits between your boobs,
Inserts neatly in a hole, and works
best when jerked?
(answer at bottom of page)
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: -
If it has tyres or testicles, you're
going to have trouble with it .
- written in Ladies' Restroom,
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas.
Q. What is the one thing that married
men miss most, about not being single?
A. Sex.
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's
examining room, waiting for the doctor to
come in for the baby's first exam. The
doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little
concerned, asked if the baby was breast-
fed or bottle-fed?" "Breast-fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor
ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples,
pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and
detailed examination. Motioning to her to
get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder
this baby is underweight. You don't have
any milk." "I know," she said,"I'm his
Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
A boy who was the product of artificial
insemination grew up to be completely
unmanageable. The moral:
Spare the rod and spoil the child.
For his birthday Little Matt asked for a 10-
speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd
give you one, but the mortgage on this house
is £80,000 and your mother just lost her job.
There's no way we can afford it." The next
day the father saw Little Matt heading out
the front door with a suitcase. So he asked,
"Son, where are you going?" Little Matt
told him, "I was walking past your room
last night and I heard you tell mum you were
pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait
because she was coming too. And I'll be
damned if I'm staying here by myself with
an £80,000 mortgage and no flipping bike!"
I went to get my vehicle emission test done
today, and when it was finally my turn I
asked the guy what time they closed. He
said, "We're open late into the night. In the
trade we're known as 'nocturnal emissions'."
from a recent issue of the NEW SCIENTIST
magazine: "NEW SCIENTIST readers are
concerned about their e-mail boxes being
bombarded with "spam", and the need for
more and better filters. However, they seem
to have overlooked the benefits to be gained
from all these spam messages. For instance,
I have been accepting all offers made to me
by e-mail since the beginning of this year,
and my penis is now 43 metres long!"
The first woman recruit in the Army reported
for duty and was told that although her quarters
would be in a separate building, she was to
mess with the men. It wasn't until four weeks
later someone finally told her that meant to eat
her meals with them.
A cocktail party is an affair where a mans gets
stiff, a woman gets tight, and they return home
to find that neither is either. 
Jeff and Sam were on the first tee the other
morning when the Greenkeeper approached
them and said: "I've put a special weed killer
on the grass so don't lick your balls." Sam
replied: "If I could lick my balls I wouldn't be
playing golf today."
Let me assure you that sex over sixty can be
both deadly and very dangerous. I strongly
recommend pulling over to the kerb first!
Camilla had bought new shoes for her wedding
which became increasingly tighter and tighter as
the day went on. That night, when the festivities
were finally over and they retired to their room,
she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling,
please remove my shoes. My feet are killing me."
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her
right shoe with vigour but it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla. "Harder?" Charles
yelled back, "I'm trying, darling, but it's just so
bloody tight!" "Come on. Give it all you've got!"
she cried. Finally, when it released, Charles let
out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There,
oh God, that feels so good!" In their bedroom
next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See?
I told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin."
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left
shoe, he cried, "Oh God, darling, this one's even
tighter!" At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,
"That's my boy! Once a Navy man, always a
Navy man."
A middle aged guy, tired of mowing the lawn,
finally breaks down and hires a neighbourhood
kid named Bubba to do the job for him. One
weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving,
when Bubba comes in after having mowed the
lawn and proceeds to pee in the toilet. Curiosity
got the better of the husband and he just had to
look. Bubba had the largest penis he had ever
seen! The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to
be too personal, but how did your dick get that
big? I couldn't help but notice.." "Bubba laughed
and said, "It's simple, every night before I go to
bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times." The
husband was excited at the simplicity of this
technique and could hardly wait to try it himself.
Before he climbed into bed that night, he
whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost
three times. He was just climbing into bed with
newfound confidence when his wife sat up, half-
asleep and rubbing her eyes, and said,
"Is that you, Bubba?"
A seat belt. Buckle up and pass it on.