For Today                                                                                          
My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular.
   -   Adlai E. Stevenson Jr.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We never get to love by hate, least of all by self-hatred. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THOUGHTS FOR TODAY !
Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do,
something to love, and something to hope for. - Joseph Addison.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds
sang except those that sang best. - Henry Van Dyke, 1852-1933.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person.
Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth. - Oscar Wilde. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer. - Dave Barry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was
called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The American Indians found out what happens when you don't control
immigration."            
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Smooth Operator                                                                              
My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him that the
neck tag on his shirt was hanging out. "I know," he replied. "It's a fad
me and some of the guys started." Weeks later, as the style persisted, I
commented, "I can't stand it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for
you." I gently tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair. "Yeah," he
said smiling slyly. "All the girls do too".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie was staying with her grandmother for a few days. She had been
playing outside with the other kids for a while when she came into the
house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two people
are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was
a little taken aback, but decided to tell her the truth. "It's called sexual
intercourse, darling." Little Katie said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside
to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later she came back
in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's
called Bunk Beds! - and Jimmy 's Mum wants to talk to you!"    
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I considered atheism but there weren't enough bank holidays. 
You have no idea what a poor opinion I have of myself and how little I
deserve it.         
Oh my son's my son till he gets him a wife, but my daughter's my
daughter all her life.    
The world breaks everyone and afterward many are stronger at the
broken places.       
You know that people say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift"
but couldn't people think a little bigger?
Failures are divided into two classes - those who thought and never did,
and those who did and never thought.
When the Egyptian Pharoah fell gravely ill, his mummy didn't call for a
Cairo-practor. She sent for the pyramidics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Laura Bush bought George a parrot for his birthday. She told Dick   
Cheney, "The bird is so smart! George has already taught him to     
pronounce over 200 words!" "Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney
said. "But you do realize that he just says the words. He doesn't under-
stand what they mean." "That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does
the parrot".                                                                                    
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As parents, the major part of our duty is to prepare our children for
successful adulthood. That is not easy. One does not know at what stage
of a child's life they begin to process information that will adhere to their
psyche and become part of the foundation that their personalities will be
built on. I decided that you can never begin to guide too early. To be
sure, we teach at very early ages that hot water burns and knives cut
flesh. So I was sitting with my eight-year-old daughter, listening to her
chatter on and on at about 100 miles per hour, when I decided it was a
perfect time for a life lesson. "Listen, honey," I said reaching down to
hold both her little hands in mine. "You're boring the ever-loving fuck
outta me with all this talk. How do you ever expect to keep a husband
if you talk so damned much?"                                                        
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things
that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live
in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to   
wreak revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past.          
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12  
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.                
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the
pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill
didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had
a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so,
Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got
together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was
unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed,
and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam            
approached the park and - lo and behold! - there sat Bill! Sam was      
very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For
crying out loud, Bill, what in the world happened to you?" Bill replied,
"I have been in jail." "Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"         
"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the
coffee shop where we sometimes go?" "Yeah," said Sam, "I remember
her. What about her?" "Well, one day she filed rape charges against me;
and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I
pleaded 'guilty' and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury".            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that
she's pregnant. She is furious... Here she's in the middle of her run for
president, and this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the
phone and immediately starts screaming "How could you have let this
happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!
How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks
pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to
say?" There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams     
again, "Did you hear me?" Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet
voice: "Who is this?"                                                                     
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Thought A great way to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a
mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can
eat too much.                                                                                 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix? It causes you a lot of
pain, and after it is removed you find out you didn't need it anyway. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                            
An aeroplane was about to crash. There were five passengers on board,
but only four parachutes - The first passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant,
the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, and I can't afford
to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane. The second
passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of a former U.S.
President, a NY State Senator and a potential future president. And I
am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't
want me to die." She took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, Ted Kennedy said "I am a US Senator, the
Democratic Party needs me and my liver still has some good years left."
So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped. The fourth passenger,
Billy Graham, said to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old schoolgirl "I am
old and frail and don't have many years left, and as a Christian I will
sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The girl said,
"That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest
woman took my school bag!"                                                     
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Husband and wife in bed together. She feels his hand rubbing her
shoulder. She: "Oh, that feels good." His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Oh darling, that feels wonderful." His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop." But he stops.   She: "Why did you
stop?"  He: "I found the remote."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's not what happens to you; it's what you do about it that makes
the difference.  (W. Mitchell) 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married. She said: I
want to keep my house. He said: That's fine with me. She said: And
I want to keep my BMW. He said: That's fine with me. She said:
And I want to have sex 6 times a week. He said: That's fine with me...
 Put me down for Fridays.                                       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The golden rule when reading the menu is, if you cannot pronounce it,
you cannot afford it. - Frank Muir.                                                 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                                     
If you always take the time to stop and smell the roses, sooner or later,
you'll inhale a bee.                                                                           ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life improves slowly and goes wrong fast, and only catastrophe is
clearly visible. - Edward Teller.                                                     
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A friend walks in when everyone else walks out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there,
is he still wrong?                                                                         
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quotes For Today
Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have.               
   - H. Jackson Brown Jr.                                                             
I must say that acting was good training for the political life that lay   
ahead of us.  - Nancy Reagan.
Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking.      
- Rupert Hughes                                                                             
Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
Outside every thin girl is a fat man, trying to get in. - Katharine Whitehorn
Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses.                    
 - Elizabeth Taylor                         
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ever wonder about those people who spend £1 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE . . . .  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Those who want the Government to regulate matters of the mind and
spirit are like men who are so afraid of being murdered that they
commit suicide to avoid assassination.  - Harry S Truman, 1884-1972.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always said that if humans were meant to be nude, we would have
been born that way.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every two years the American politics industry fills the airwaves with
the most virulent, scurrilous, wall-to-wall character assassination of
nearly every political practitioner in the country - and then declares
itself puzzled that America has lost trust in its politicians.
 - Charles Krauthammer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde walked into the pet store and, after looking up and down the
aisles, asked the sales clerk for help. "I'd like a box of birdseed," said
the lady. "For which kind of bird?" he asked helpfully. "Oh, I dunno,"
she replied, "Whichever will grow the fastest..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
McDonald's "Breakfast for under a dollar" actually costs you much   
more than that. You have to factor in the cost of coronary bypass     
surgery.     - George Carlin.                                                             ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
morning till night (and sometimes later) she was always complaining about
something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out
ploughing with his old mule. He tried to plough a lot. One day, when he
was out ploughing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the
old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began her arguing at him again. Complain,
complain nag, nag; it just went on And on. All of a sudden, the old mule
lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister
noticed something rather odd. When a female mourner would approach
the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in
agreement; but when a male mourner approached him, he would listen
for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so
consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after
the funeral, the Minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he
nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head
and disagreed with the men. The old farmer said: "Well, the women
would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or
how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what
about the men?" the minister asked. "They all wanted to know if the
mule was for sale".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A girl says to an Indian salesman, "I'm not sure if I should buy a
sweatshirt or a windbreaker." He says, "Well, that depends. Are you
gonna sweat, or are you gonna break wind?"                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge
quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are
seeking a divorce." "Because," the man says, "I live in a three-story
house." The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the
big deal about a three-story house?" The man answers, "Well Judge, one
story is 'I have a headache' and the second story is... 'It's that time of
the month."... and the third story is, ..." NO..we'll wake the children".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for
breakfast.                                                                                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lonely frog, desperate for any form of company telephoned the
Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store. His Personal
Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young
girl who will want to know everything about you."  The frog is thrilled
and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"
"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."                            
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She didn't know it couldn't be done, so she went ahead and did it. (Anon) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A farm wife called the local phone company to report that her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions
when it did ring her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole,
hooked in his test set and dialled the subscriber's house. The phone didn't
ring right away, but then after he heard the dog moaning loudly, the
telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone   
repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground
wire via a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground
rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current
when the phone number was called. 4. After a couple of such jolts, the
dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.  
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone
to ring. This demonstrates that some problems can be fixed by pissing
and moaning!                                                                                
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I dialled a number and got the following recording: "I am not available
right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some
changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not
return your call, you are one of the changes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I tip based on service. This waiter already owes me five quid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm not short tempered. I can stay mad for days.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every winter is the winter of my discontent.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why are men like guns?
A. Keep one around long enough and eventually you're going to want to
shoot it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "I have some very bad
news for you. I'm afraid that you're afflicted with a fatal and incurable
disease." So the guy asks, "Well isn't there anything I can do, doc?" The
doctor tells the patient, "Well, maybe you should go to a spa and start  
taking daily mud baths". "Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?" asks the
man. "Probably not, but at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's important to keep your lawn at just the right height. Two to three
feet is good for hiding just about anything.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without
forgetting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way
around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God made Man before Woman so as to give him time to think of an
answer for her first question.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to
find one.                                                                                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "Seniors' Special" was two
eggs, bacon, chips and toast for £1.99. "Sounds good", my wife said. "But
I don't want the eggs." "Then I'll have to charge you two pounds           
forty-nine-p because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for NOT taking the eggs?" my wife asked
incredulously. "YES!" stated the waitress. "I'll take the special." "How
do you want your eggs?" "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.    
She took the two eggs home.                                                          
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!                                                 
We've been around the block more than once.                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An eminent heart specialist was at a glittering social function and was in
animated conversations with a lovely young thing wearing a great deal of
makeup and the barest minimum of clothing. It was only a few minutes
too late that the good doctor became aware that his wife, whom he
thought was safely in the next room, was watching him with a steely
glare.Clearing his throat, the doctor said, "Ah, my dear, that young lady
over there and I were just indulging in a purely professional consultation."
"So I can well imagine." said his wife icily, "but was it your profession,
or hers?"                              
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for
£100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the
farmer drove up he said, "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news... the
donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he's dead". Gordon replied,
"Well, then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "I can't do
that, because I've spent it already". Gordon said, "OK then, well just
unload the donkey anyway". The farmer asked, "What are you going to
do with him?" Gordon answered, "I'm going to raffle him off." To which
the farmer exclaimed, "Surely you can't raffle off a dead donkey!" But
Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, "Of course I can, you
watch me. I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead." A month
later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened with
that dead donkey?" Gordon said, "I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at
two pounds apiece, and made a huge, fat profit!!" Totally amazed, the
farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money
because you lied about the donkey being dead?" To which Gordon
replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was
the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2
raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is
double the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was great guy!"
Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer,
and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole
from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen
money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.
The moral of this story is that, if you think Gordon is about to play fair
and do something for the everyday people of the country for once in his
miserable, lying life, think again my friend, because you'll be better off
flogging a dead donkey.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few
beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club,
fancy tagging along?" The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I
always end up getting my head kicked in". So Smartie says "Don't worry
about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you." Jelly Baby thinks
about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after
me", and off they go. After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets
walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The
Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking
cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs,
and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.
Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes
up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you
were going to look after me." "I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets
are bloody menthol..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking
beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife.
She hasn't spoke to me in over 2 months." Earl spits, sips his beer and
says, "You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find."      
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Woman's Poem
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him
Like his mother used to do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Voting is like choosing your favourite mosquito out of a swarm. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something
off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away
from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's
dirty and probably has germs", I replied. At this point, my daughter
looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know
all this stuff?" "Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All Mums know this stuff.
It's on the Mummy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be
a Mummy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was
evidently pondering this new information. "Oh...I get it!" she beamed,
"So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Daddy." "Exactly" I
replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.               
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A nice, calm & respectable woman went into a pharmacy, looked the
pharmacist straight in his eyes & said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The
woman replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes
got big & he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to
kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll
throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! No! You
CANNOT have any cyanide!" The woman reached into her handbag
& pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture & replied, "Well, now, that's
different. You didn't say you had a prescription . . . "                          
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's surgery. "Is it true", she
wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for
the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was
a moment of silence before the senior lady replied "I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked
'NO REPEATS'."                                        
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~          
Best stay home! According to Thomas Cook in the UK, some holiday
makers are just never satisfied. Here are the top ten most bizarre and
genuine customer complaints received by the firm in recent years:
1 On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost
every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all.
2 The beach was too sandy.
3 I bought a snorkel and swimming mask for my six-year-old son, but
he was too upset to use them as the fish frightened him.
4 It rained on my birthday.
5 Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was
ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.
6 I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does
not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.
7 It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often
needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned.
8 We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a street
trader, only to find out they were fake.
9 None of the hotel staff was English, and the tea didn't taste the same
as at home.
10 I would like to complain about the price of alcohol in the resort. It was
too cheap and I woke with a hangover every day.                               
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Prime Minister Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and visited one
of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words
and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like
to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader
asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up and
offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field &
a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'". "No,"
said Blair, "that would be an Accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a
school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone
inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the Prime
Minister, "That's what we would call a Great Loss." The room went
silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room. "Isn't
there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?" Finally,
at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...in a quiet voice he
said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs. Blair was struck by a
"friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy".
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me
why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy "It has to be a
tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a Great Loss and it probably
wouldn't be an Accident either".      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ADULT SECTION
Three men are sitting in a pub. The first one boast: "I have 10 sons. If I
had one more, I'd have a football team." "Well," says the second, "I have
14 sons. If I had one more, I'd have a rugby team." "Huh!" says the
third. "I have 17 girlfriends. One more and I'd have a golf course."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you know that in the human body there's a nerve that connects the
eyeballs to the anus? It's called the 'Anal Optic Nerve'. It's responsible
for giving people that shitty outlook on life. If you don't believe it, try to
pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why does Barbie never get pregnant?                                          
A. Because Ken comes in another box.                                               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the wimpiest. The first one
says, "My Dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he slides under the
bed." The second kid says, "That's nothing. My dad is so scared that
when my mother works nightshift, he sleeps with the woman next door".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run or
don't fit right in the crotch!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's Harold's first day in the carpool. They honk the horn in front of his
house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk
when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the
porch. He turns around and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back
to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the snatch,
runs back down the walk and hops in the car. They ride in silence for a
few minutes, until Burnett, the driver, can't stand it. Burnett asks,
"Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her down there?"
Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning."            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail
through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived
at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there,
who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The
people at the third house gave him some golfing equipment. At the fourth
house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a          
revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the
door and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where he experienced the
most passionate love-making ever. Then, they went downstairs and she   
prepared him a giant breakfast of eggs, bacon, sausages, beans, fried      
bread with pancakes and freshly squeezed orange juice, followed by a cup
of strong coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a five pound note         
sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too     
wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?" "Well," she    
said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day   
and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to    
give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a fiver." The lady then said,    
"The breakfast was my idea".                   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't
sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the
woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally,
unable to sleep, she goes to the drawer and grabs a piece of ribbon and
ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring.
The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home
drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep,
and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon
will work on him. So she goes to the drawer again, grabs a piece of
ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also
works on him! The woman sleeps very soundly. The next morning, the
husband wakes up very hung over. He tumbles into the bathroom to
urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror
and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused,
and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon
attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head, looks down at the
dog and says: "Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did,
but we got first and second place!"                                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer and a Labrador are sitting in a vet's
surgery and strike up a conversation. The Doberman turns to the Boxer
and asks, "What are you here for?" "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything,
the sofa, the cat, the kid, but the final straw was last night when I pissed
in the middle of my owner's bed." "So, what is the vet gonna do?" the
Doberman asks. "Lethal injection," came the sad reply from the Boxer.
The Doberman turns to the Lab and asked the same question. "I'm a
digger. I dig under fences, I dig up flowers and trees. I dig for the hell of
it. When inside, I even dig up the carpets, but I went over the limit when
I dug a hole in the middle of the owner's couch." "So, what they gonna do
to you?" "Lethal injection," replied the dejected Lab. The Lab asked the
Doberman why he was there. "I'm a humper. I'll hump anything, I'll
hump the cat, pillows, the table, the vaccuum cleaner. Whatever. I want
to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of
the shower and bent down to dry her toes and I couldn't help myself
and hopped on her back and started humping away. The Boxer and Lab
exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, lethal injection for you, too, huh?"
"No, No," the Doberman said. "I'm here to get my nails clipped."         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part
of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said..."Take this
jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow". The next day the 85-
year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which
was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what
happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still
nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen,
the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit,
and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing". The
doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied,
"Yup, but none of us could get the jar open".                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Esther and Sally, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are
curious about the latest arrival in their building - a quiet, nice looking
gentleman who keeps to himself. Esther says, "Sally, you know I'm shy.
Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him.
He looks so lonely." Sally agrees, and later that day at the pool, she
walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying,
but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely." "Of
course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."
"You're kidding! What for?""For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
"What happened to your second wife?" "I shot her." "And, if I may
ask, your first wife?" "We had a fight and she fell off a building." "Oh
my," says Sally. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the
pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Esther, he's single."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Original chat-up line:- "Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance,
but I'm kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up
having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number
because I'm too shy to ask for it. I finally get up the nerve to call and we
take in a movie, have some dinner. I relax, you relax, we go out a few
more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together,
then finally get past this sexual tension and develop this intense sex life,
that is truly incredible. Decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we
move in together. Then a few months later get married, I get a promotion,
you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I
really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am
resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two
more lovely kids. Now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have
no time for you. Now you're stressed and stop taking good care of       
yourself. So to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence
I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because
I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so). We have
to explain to the kids why Mummy and Daddy are splitting up. That's
just too sad. Think about the children. So, for God's sake, if you dance
with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know
where it's going."                                                                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The fifty-year old son was complaining to his 75 year old father: "Dad,
lately I've been having a problem with impotence. Tell me, do you have
the same problem? Is it something that runs in our family?" "Well," his
father replied, "I don't know about your mother's side of the family, but
I've never had reason to complain. Why, when I was a lad, I would
work up a good hard-on, hang a bucket of water from it, and walk the
full length of a football field. But nowadays my knees give in when I'm
half way."                                                                               
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Lord made Man in the Garden of Eden.
Then said to himself, "There's something he's needin'."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept on trying and created a Girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase your desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding your eyes, as you whisper aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two lovely hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, flowing hair hanging down to her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make you grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing,
Then he added a mouth, and spoilt the whole thing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends
encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only
one thing bothering me, quite a lot indeed, and that was my mother-in-
law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and
sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and made me
feel uncomfortable. One day, she called me and asked me to come over,
to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I
arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got
married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love
to me just once. What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say
a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just
come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the
stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to
the front door...  I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband
was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we
are very happy and pleased; you have passed our little test. We couldn't
have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A "True" Story (not) . . . Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries,
everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before
commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were
common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less
than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become
heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by
product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles
you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up
below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a
lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner
before it was determined just what was happening! After that, the
bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In
Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off
the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not
touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus
evolved the term "S.H.I.T.", (Ship High In Transport) which has come
down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.                  
You probably did not know the true history of this word.                 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is
bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Excuse me, sir,"
she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in
all these toilet papers?" "Well," he replies, pointing out one brand,
"This is as soft as a baby's bottom. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another
and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name
brand, and it's 20 cents per roll." "Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says,
"Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John
Wayne." "Why?" he asks. "Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't
take crap from anybody."                                                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. A whale is an animal with nostrils on top of its head (a blowhole).
What's the only animal with an arsehole in the middle of its back?
A. A police horse.                                                                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Shot: Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
                                                                                                    
Parting Shot 2: Too bad that all the people who know how to run this
country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair. - George Burns.