Just selected jokes gleaned from open websites, with all the ads & dross removed.

THOUGHT FOR TODAY !                                                            
At my age, any day above ground is a good one . . .                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                               
For Today                                                                                      
The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we have
of
ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.
- Quentin Crisp.                                                                                 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                             
"A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another
woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes".    -   Robert Frost .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bachelor: A rolling stone that gathers no boss.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Check these lovely naturescape pics at www.alpics.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's never encouraging when you ask your parents to tell you about      
when you were born and they simply reply, "Mistakes were made.."      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In real life, unlike in Shakespeare, the sweetness of the rose depends
upon the name
it bears. Things are not only what they are. They are,
in very important respects,
what they seem to be.                             

Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts.     
It's what you do with what you have left.                                         

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
taken seriously.   


Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.          
 - all from Hugo Humphrey, US vice president to Lyndon Johnson.       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly couple, Minnie and Max, sit down to their dinner. Before
eating, his wife
speaks up. "Can I ask you a question, Max?" "Sure
Minnie," Max says, waiting to
dig into his meal. "Has our 50 years of
marriage made you grateful?" "Yes, indeed!"
Max replied, "For the
twenty years I was a bachelor!"                                               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~              

On the way home from a party, the wife said to her husband, "Have I
ever told you
how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"
"Why no, but I'm flattered"
he said. "Then what the hell gave you that
idea at the party?" she yelled.                                                           ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~              

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there,
and you
have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it
is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's receptionist who
insists you tell her what is
wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced
this, and I love the way this old guy
handled it. An 86 year old man walked into a
crowded waiting room and
approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir,
what are you
seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick",

he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't
come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not?
You asked me what
was wrong and I told you" he said. The Receptionist
replied; "Now you've caused
some embarrassment in this room full of
people. You should have said there is
something wrong with your ear or
something and discussed the problem further with
the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a
room full of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone". The man walked out,

waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled
smugly and
asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear", he
stated. The Receptionist
nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken her advice. "And what is
wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't piss
out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.                 
Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!                                             ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                    

Women are always better than men -                                                 
                                                                                                  
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)             
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how
you can take
boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair
out by the root, and still
be afraid of a spider.                                    
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                     
WIFE vs. HUSBAND                                                                        
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier
discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and
pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the  
wife replied, "In-laws."                                                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                     

WORDS                                                                                           
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use
a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to
be because we have
to repeat everything to men". The husband then    
turned to his wife and asked, "What?"                                                 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                       

CREATION                                                                                     
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so
beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to
explain... God
made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God
made me stupid so I
would be attracted to you!"                                   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                       
THE SILENT TREATMENT                                                            
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other
the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next 
day, he would need his
wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early        
morning business flight. Not wanting to be
the first to break the silence
(and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake
me at 5:00
AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the

man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his
flight. Furious,
he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened
him, when he noticed a
piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is
5:00 AM. Wake up."                                                                 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                                              

Tall, short, thick or thin                                                                     
And no matter their age                                                                     
Sorry guys but -                                                                                
women always win.                                                                           

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                                         

As you can see... Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.      
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough
draft before
the masterpiece.                                                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                                
The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the   
passengers the
usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she   
said, "Now sit back and enjoy
your trip while your captain, Judith      
Campbell, and crew take you safely to your
destination." Ed, sitting in
the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is
the captain a
woman?" When the attendants came by with the drinks trolley, he      

questioned, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"        
"Yes," s
aid the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female." "My God,"
said Ed, "I'd better have
two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to
think with only women up there in the
cockpit." "That's another thing
sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it 'The Cock
Pit'. Now it's   
called "The Box Office."                                                                     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                  

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews
and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. Two men and a
woman. For the final
test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow
your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you
will find your wife sitting in a chair.. Kill Her!!"
The man said, "You
can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said,
"Then
you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The
second
man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was
quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, " I tried, but I
can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You
don't have what it takes. Take your wife and
go home." Finally, it was
the woman's turn. She was given the same instruction, to kill
her          
husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one after
another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all
was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
stood the woman, wiping the sweat
from her brow. "The gun is loaded
with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."          
Moral: - Women are evil. Don't mess with them!                               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a
coat-hanger
long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AA is not an
option. I will win.                                                                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                             

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will open the
bonnet and
stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If
another man shows up, one of
us will say to the other, "I used to be able
to fix these things, but now with all these
computers and everything, I
wouldn't know where to start". We will then drink a
couple of beers and
break wind, as a form of holy communion.                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                     

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me
soup and take
care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman.
You never get as sick as I
do, so for you, this is no problem.                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                   
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
the shop, like
milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like
"cumin" or "tofu." For all
I know, these are the same thing.                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                    
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will
insist on taking
it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice
as much once the repair
person gets here and has to put it back together. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                      
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I
watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole
show looking for it,
though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator instead (applies to
engineers only).                                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                      
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The true
answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to
make up something
else when you ask, so just don't ask.                       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                      
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.        
Chances are, if
you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . . and if you      
are feeling amorous afterwards . .
then I will certainly at least remember
the name and recommend it to others.                                                

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were
wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is
fine. With the belt or
without it, looks fine. It does not make your ass
look too big. It was the pasta and
potatoes and margaritas that did that.
Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go
now?                           ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share
equally in the
housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and
the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Like          
wandering around in the garden with a beer,
wondering what to do.      
                                                                                                      

This has been a public service message for women to better                  
understand men . .                                                                           
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                     

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy
winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where    
they spent their honeymoon 20
years earlier. Because of hectic            
schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel
schedules. So the    
husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his
wife 
flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a
computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. However, he
accidentally left out one letter in her email address,
and without realizing his error, sent
the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in
Houston, a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who was called home to glory following a
heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from
relatives
and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The
widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the
computer screen which read: -                                         
To: My Loving Wife                                                                         
Subject: I've Arrived                                                                         
Date:
October 16, 2005                                                                    
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers
here   
now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just   
arrived and
have been checked in. I see that everything has been       
prepared for your arrival
tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as
mine was.                                
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!                                                   

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~               
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.                          
He thought he was God and I didn't.                                                   
                                                                                                       
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.                         
                                                                                                       
I Work Hard Because Millions On Benefits Depend on Me!                 
                                                                                                       
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.                    
                                                                                                       
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.                                        
                                                                                                       
Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.                                
                                                                                                         
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.                          
                                                                                                        
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.                                                 
                                                                                                         
Earth is the insane asylum for the Universe.                                        
                                                                                                       
I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are missing.                                
                                                                                                       
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.                                                 
                                                                                                       
God must love stupid people; He made so many.                                  
                                                                                                      
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.                                             
                                                                                                        
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.                                
                                                                                                        
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?                                         
                                                                                                       
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!                        
                                                                                                       
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
                                                                                                       
Procrastinate Now!                                                                          
                                                                                                       
I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Chips With That?         
                                                                                                       
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.                                                     
                                                                                                       
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.                  
                                                                                                       
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!                                       
                                                                                                      
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.           
                                                                                                       
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.                         
                                                                                                       
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times
the memory.                                                                                      

                                                                                                        
Ham and eggs - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a
pig.                                                                                                   

                                                                                                        
The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.              
                                                                                                        
I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.                           ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                     
TRIVIA                                                                                           
"John Billings, founder of the natural contraceptive system known as the
Billings
Method, has died in Australia aged 89, his colleagues said on     
Monday..Billings is
survived by his wife and eight of their nine children."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                      
Telephone Help Desk at the Water Board . . . RING! Southern Water,
this is Dave...
"Is this the water department?" Yes Ma'am, for most of
this area... "Good. I have
some very technical questions to ask you
about the water" I'll try and help... "Why are
my nipples getting so hard?"
 You're not really serious... "I AM SO!! My nipples...
they're hard and
they have this white coating on them!" Uhhhh, huh... hard, uhhh,
nipples
 with white, uhh...stuff..."Not only that, they're getting warped!" I see...

"They used to be soft, pink and round!" I'm sure they were... "Now they
really look
disgusting!" I'm sure they do... "So I want to know what     
you're going to do about
this!" I really don't think I can help you. Have
you discussed this with your personal
physician? "Yes I have! He said I
should call you because he thought it was from the
water!" I see...       
uhhhh, just why and how does he think the water is causing this?"  He 

said cleaning them in boiling water sometimes does that." Sounds painful.
... can't you
just sponge them off? "Painful?! THE BABY BOTTLE    
NIPPLES ARE THE ONES
I'M TALKING ABOUT!" Now I             
understand... "Are you going to buy me new
ones?" Why would we do
that? "Because your water ruined these. My baby won't
suck them      
anymore. He's been sick and I think it's from the white stuff... he used 
to
really suck..." May I ask how old your baby is? "He's six, going on
seven" Six... and
he refuses the bottle? Maybe he's getting a little old for
the bottle... "DON'T TELL
ME HOW TO RAISE MY CHILD!" I
wasn't. How long have you been using these
nipples? "Since he was
born" Hmmmmm. My guess is the white film is from the
calcium
carbonate in the water... kind of like bathtub ring of the nipple... and
they are
hard and warped because of being boiled and bitten for six    
years... "So! You are
refusing to pay!" Well, that's not for me to decide.
I was only trying to suggest they
might just be plain worn out. "THEY
WOULDN'T BE WORN OUT IF YOUR
WATER WAS ANY
GOOD!" There is really nothing more I can do for you...
"JUST HOW
AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY MONEY?" Well, why don't you
just
run down to our main office. There you can file an insurance claim... 
"What good
would that do? Will they give me the money?" They will  
investigate and make a
judgement whether to settle or not... "Well, you
sure haven't been any help! How do
I get them to pay more attention
than you have?" Just show them your nipples!!                                   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                   

SHORT & SHARP Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                     
ADULT SECTION                                                                         
                                                                                                       
QUOTE:-                                                                                        
"I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me."          
- Monica Lewinsky,
on CNN's Larry King Live discussing her             
miraculous Jenny Craig weight-loss.                                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                      

Q: What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?         
A: They were originally intended for children, but it's men who play with
     them most.                                                                                   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                     

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Arizona -                        
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH  
    APART.                                                                                       

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.                                                           
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!                                                       
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.                                               
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.                                                    
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.                                                     
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD
    OF YOU.                                                                                    

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.               
9. QUIET PLEASE ...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.            
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES. WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH
     THE
URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF.                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath So Dewey asks him what the 
hell is wrong
with you? So Ray says "I've been running from the cops  
but I finally lost them".
Dewey then asked "What the hell did you do?" 
Ray replied, "I was pissing in the
shower and the cops showed up to    
arrest me!" "That's not against the law" said
Dewey. "That's what I     
thought," said Ray. "But those guys at Homebase sure must've
thought
it was!"                                                                                             

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                   
Being a bus driver is a great job. I pick up women, they                       
give me money, and eventually everyone gets off.                                 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                     
A pastor was visiting an elderly church member. As he sat facing her old
Hammond
organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on 
top of it. The bowl was
filled with water, and in the water floated, of all
things, a condom! When she returned
with tea and scones, they began to
chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about
the bowl of water and
its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he
could no       
longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me   
about
this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it           
wonderful? I was walking
through the park a few months ago and I
found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on
the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the
spread of disease. Do
you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"                                           
                                                                                                       
If you don't send this to five OLD friends right away                           
there will be five fewer people smiling in the world!                               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                 
Dave comes home from work one afternoon and is stopped by his
neighbour. "It may
be none of my business, but this afternoon a strange
man came to your house and
your wife let him in. I peeked through the
curtains and saw them making wild,
passionate love." Dave said," Was
he short, about 5'8"?" "Yes", the neighbour
answers, "I believe he was."
"Did he have a droopy eye, and appear drunk?" Dave
asked. "Yes", the
neighbour agrees. "Then that was the postman, Jim," Dave
responds,
"He'll screw anyone!...."                                                                   

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~               
"Help! Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the
phone. "Two
naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom           
window!"  "This is the Fire
Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll
have to transfer you to the Police
Department." "No, it's YOU I want!"
she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"                                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~               

Nominated as the best short joke this year:-                                       
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.  
"Mommy", he asked, "are these my brains?" "Not yet," she replied.       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~              
To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop to work on
his tan. Not
wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude, but           
unfortunately fell asleep and
sunburned his Jolly Roger. Being very       
determined, he decided not to miss his date
with the hot blonde, so he   
put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.
His date, a     
beautiful blonde, arrived for the promised home cooked meal, and was  

treated to a feast. After they finished with the dinner they went into the
living room
to watch a movie. During the movie, his sunburn began to
hurt. After several minutes
of extreme discomfort he asked to be          
excused, and as a friend had told him that milk
was very effective in    
reducing sunburn pain, he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass
of cold
milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced   

immediate relief. The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing,
wandered
into the kitchen and found him with his tool immersed in the
glass of milk, and with a
look of understanding, exclaimed "SO, THAT'S
HOW YOU RELOAD THOSE
THINGS!"                                        
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                   
An old man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love.          
However, no matter
what the husband does sexually, the woman never
achieves orgasm so they decide to
ask a sex therapist for advice. The
therapist listens to their story and makes the
following suggestion; "Hire a
strapping young man and while the two of you are
making love have the
young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you
both.
Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans
you both
with the towel. That will help your wife fantasize, and should
bring on a full-blown
orgasm." They go home and follow the therapist's
advice. They hire a handsome
young man and he strips off and             
enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as
they make love. But it 
doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.
Perplexed,
they go back to the therapist. "Okay", he says, "Let's try it reversed.
Have
the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel
over them." Once
again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into
bed with the wife and the
husband waves the towel. The hired hand
really works with great enthusiasm and the
wife soon has an enormous,
room-shaking, screaming, creaming orgasm. Smiling,
the husband drops
the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him,           
triumphantly: . "THAT'S how you wave a f *** ing towel, son!"            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband
and asked for
$20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state, her husband
readily agreed. This scenario was repeated
each time they made love, for more than
30 years, with him thinking that
it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and
other incidentals that
she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was
surprised to
find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes,
he
explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing,
and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59,
he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what he'd
been earning, and therefore, they
were financially ruined. Calmly, his
wife handed him a bank book which showed
more than thirty years of
steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then
she showed
him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over
$2
million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors
 in the bank. She
explained that for the more than three decades she had
"charged" him for sex, these
holdings had multiplied and these were the
results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and
investments worth over $3 million, her husband was
so astounded he   
could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
"If I'd
had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my       
business!"
That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just
don't know when to keep their mouths shut.                                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                     

John and Brian are out and about. John notices that Brian is a bit touchy
during the
evening, so he finally brings up. "Yo, man, you've been       
cranky all damned day. What
the hell is wrong with you. You're acting
like you've got PMS." "Naw, I don't have
PMS, but I definitely think I'm
suffering from the male counterpart. I call it SRH."
"SRH? What's that?"
"Sperm Retention Headache." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                    

ADULT TRIVIA -                                                                            
                                                                                                       
An Englishman shot himself in the groin recently after drinking fifteen
pints of beer
and stuffing a sawed-off shotgun down his pants.             
Apparently, the man was under the
impression the gun wasn't fully
cocked. Now he isn't, either.                                                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                             
CAMBRIDGE, England - The incoming mayor of Cambridge, England,
and her
domestic partner have both gone public with the news that they
used to be men.
Mayor-elect Jenny Bailey and former City Councilor
Jennifer Liddle met 15 years
ago as they were going through sex change
operations, The Telegraph reported.
They went public with their           
transgender stories when a local newspaper approached
them. "So many
more things define me than being transgender," Bailey told the
Telegraph
 "I certainly do not want it to eclipse being mayor. If it damages the
Cambridge mayoralty I will be so upset. I'm so proud of Cambridge. It's
an honor
to be mayor."                                                                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A worried father telephoned his family doctor and said that he was afraid
that his
teenaged son had come down with V.D. "He says he hasn't had
sex with anyone but
the maid, so it has to be her." "Don't worry too
much," advised the doctor, "These
things happen." "I know, Doctor,"   
said the father, "but I have to admit that I've been
sleeping with the maid
also. I seem to have the same symptoms." "That's unfortunate."
"Not
only that, I think I've passed it to my wife."                                        
"Oh God," said the doc, "That means we all have it."                           
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                         
Jack looked over the backyard fence and admired Fred's wife while she
sunbathed
topless. The next day, Jack corners his neighbour on the    
driveway saying, "I saw
your wife sunbathing in the backyard without
her top on yesterday." Fred was quite
put out over the peeping incident
and told Jack he planned revenge. That very
evening, Fred noticed that
Jack's bedroom shades were up. Upon closer inspection,
he noticed
Jack's wife in the act of performing oral sex. The very next day Fred calls

out to Jack, "Hey, Jack, I saw your wife giving you a blow job last night."
Jack, with a
disturbed expression on his face, replies, "You couldn't have.
I wasn't home last night."                                                                     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                   

Q. What do you call an eighty-year-old impotent sailor?                        
A. A salt with a dead weapon.                                                             
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                             
A new study says low levels of testosterone in older men may lead to
Alzheimer's
disease. Ironically, in younger men high levels of testosterone
can also render the
brain completely useless.                                       
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                              
 You wouldn't think that a warning like this would be necessary, but the
British Medical Journal has recently come out against elective female   
genitoplasty. In other words, female genital cosmetic surgery. Not to put
too fine a point on it, the surgery usually entails shortening or changing  
the shape of the inner lips, or labia, but may also include reduction in the
hood of skin covering the clitoris or shortening the vagina itself. The   
practice appears to be spreading fast in the United States as well as in
Britain. The BMJ says that plastic surgery to the labia carries risks, for
this zone carries nerve fibres that are highly sensitive and are a key
pathway of sexual arousal. I guess I don't understand women as well as
I thought, because any thought of sharp instruments being waved around
south of my border just gives me the shivers. How bad a body image do
you have to have for you to squat over a mirror and say to yourself,   
'You know, I think my labia could use a nip and tuck.' I have to admit,
I'm a big fan of vaginas. I've never met one I didn't like. Unless you have
some terrible deformity, I don't see why a woman would want to mess
around with hers. But it gets worse. Women, who are typically           
uncomfortable with discussing anything about their bodies in detail, will
walk into a cosmetic surgeon's office with illustrations of what she wants
her vagina to look like! Just like you would bring a picture cut out of a
magazine to your hair stylist, women are bringing porn (yes, porn) into
their doctors' and asking them if they can duplicate the look. I'm sure
readers are much too enlightened to consider something like this, but if
any of you are thinking about genitoplasty please remember the risks.
It's going to be better to feel good than any marginal improvement in
looks.               (with acknowledgements to Bizarre News).                 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                      
Parting Shot: "Happiness is a warm puppy," said the anaconda.